Monday, July 7, 2014
Pennywise and Pound Foolish in the Loo
Preview Pennywise and Pound Foolish in the Loo The Cost of Using the Toilet Measured in Years Spent in the Bathroom in Cents Adds Up to Thousands and Thousands of Dollars. What You Can Really Do to Save Money Doing Your Duty Lex Loeb Contributor Network . Environmentalists almost universally have a life long problem with a psychopathology of early childhood toilet training. That is one reason most of them hate their parents and soap in general. The typical environmentalist dreads having to use toilet paper rationalizing that a tree has to suffer for the convenience. If you have ever been subjected to being around real live hippies in close proximity you know that their noxious odor is more than just five years of never taking a bath and not even a gallon of petiole oil can erase the lingering smell. Anthropologist have theorized that early humans could run around naked and never be attacked by wild animals like lions , tigers and bears because they smelled so bad from never bathing and not having yet invented toilet paper. Wild predators just knew to keep a significant distance. Saber-tooth tigers were probably fine with fire but it was the smell that made praying on primitive hippies out of the question for them. The Japanese resisted contact with European trading ships because the Japanese could smell the ships approaching over the horizon out at sea. The Europeans had horrible hygiene no baths, no toilet paper and almost no concept at all of the toilet. The bad smell of Europeans arriving from across the sea gave them the advantage of conquering most of the planet as soon as they realized there was a concept of the spherical. Today we take for granted having toilets and toilet paper but that does not mean it's not going to cost us dearly. Toilets tend to need a supply of water and the environmentalists have decided that water has to be made as expensive as possible and nationalized as a precious communal resources mostly because of their hippy instincts of wanting to prevent the rest of us from taking showers and baths. They have been plotting to put major soap manufacturing companies out of business but have had less success so far than in causing the cost of water to grow exponentially. In Portland Oregon residents have a nearly infinite source of water from both tapped mountain sides called water sheds and easy to drill wells in aquifers directly below major rivers that have no chance of ever running low on water. In order to make water as expensive as possible the environmentalists have linked taxes to build absurdly expensive and unnecessary new sewer systems to the water bills provided by the city of Portland water bureau. Water costs consumers more than 10 or 20 times the cost that the city can attain it for mostly with a gravity free flow system installed more than a century ago. Once the sewer costs started to decline the city realized they could make water even more expensive bu tacking on taxes for million dollar a mile bicycle paths though out the urban area. It was originally a mystery how the city could justify making water more expensive to pay for bike paths until it became clear that the local environmental purists believe that bike riding causes the contents of the intestines to flow up to the brains of riders as their feet go round and round like a pumping mechanism. That is clearly the real reason water should cost more because of bike riding besides their never ending subterfuge to prevent the use of water for showers and baths because it might get soap wet in the process which brings us to the cost of every toilet flush in the Portland area. For a low water use toilet that takes two or more flushes for the contents to entirely go down the drain it might cost as much as 4 cents per toilet flush coming to as as much as 12 cent for three low water use flushes to get the solid contents completely down the drain after an average person toilet use. Compare that to about 7 cents worth of water for the old water guzzling toilets that only took one flush to get the contents to disappear down the hole. That is where the issue of toilet paper comes in. Designer toilet paper that you can only purchase mail order the stuff with the designer embossing on every sheet that is made in France and Germany it can cost you 24 cents per square and it could take about 20 swipes before flushing costing $4.97 including the water in the tank and another three cents to wash your hands after that in the sink and if you were to dare use soap and it was designer soap the hole bathroom duty experience would cost more than $5.00 not including the use of the light and possibly the evacuation fan. One could spend $20 a day just using the luxury bathroom in the Portland area at an annual cost of $7500 adding in the cost of wasting energy to heat water for washing hands. God forbid if you were also to take Luxury designer baths your annual bathroom costs could be over $20,000 a year. There are just a few people in the Portland area who can afford that kind of extravagance because most of us don't have one of those showers that use 150 gallons of water per shower nor a 400 gallon Jacuzzi bath tub with sonic wave action. Most of us have to economize in the bathroom because we don't even earn that much money in a year. We have to buy the run of the mill toilet paper that cost 1 to 2 cents a square section and limit our selves to ten minute showers unless we are hippies and don't believe in soap and water and then we really start saving money except for the cost of the petiole oil . cheaper toilet paper is less substantial than the Kimberly Clark name brand varieties and they can take more than twice as many sheets to do the same job as the more expensive brands so people can expect to pay 7 to 20 cents per use of average types of toilet paper per nature's calling. if that happens three times a day it can cost between 21 and 60 cents a day and $76 and $219 per person per year with water bills of $500-$2000 annually , kleenex tissues can cost 16 to 12 cents each and annual cost of soap--astronomical. Its all money going down the drain. Are there any alternatives besides bicycle riding? becoming a hippie? Is there any high tech engineering that can save money and maybe the environment like sponge baths and bidde's? Portlanders are very resourceful people and some of them seeking to reduce bathroom expenditures have invented all new ways to go for less. Sometimes while driving around portland one sees people hanging wet recycled Oregonian newspapers on clothes lines. I stopped the car once to ask them what they were doing and they explained that they were using the Oregonian to make toilet paper out of to save money and to recycle for the good of the environment. How? What they do is soak the Oregonian in pans of water including a little vinger after they cut it into toilet paper width strips and then they hang it out to dry. After it drys they crumple it up and cut it into square size sections. It truely is about as soft as toilet paper used to be in Italy which is a little rough but it can save more than 79 dollars per person per year and the soy ink in beneficial to the soft tissues of the anus so they tell you. Unfortunately what they were not spending on toilet paper recycling newspaper they were making up spending on organic soap they were buying at the local market for over ten times what ordinary soap costs because it contains oatmeal and additive like chocolate to make it more hippie friendly. They then sill have the high cost of water once the water they save from the gutters runs out they switch to city water and pay about the same as the rest of us unless they have jobs with the water bureau as local water testers. Progress is being made because professionals are getting into the business of recycling newspaper as the new toilet paper and they charge about the same amount of money as the paper costs to have it delivered every morning. The scatological society of Oregon is now endorsing Oregonian brand recycled toilet paper but local hippies invited to participate in opinion study groups are still queasy about using anything that might have once caused a tree to fall and be turned into paper pulp. The local university has a bathroom research program where they are working on new systems that will cause it to become possible to satisfy a person's bathroom needs for less than 25 dollars a year per person with or without the soap. First the water free urinal was introduced and then came the new water free outhouse. A scandal broke out when it was discovered that students and professors were using public toilets on campus to save money at home and were stealing napkins from the cafeteria to use in the bathroom in stead of relying on the recycled newspaper provided by the University. The police were notified and the investigation has been ongoing for the last six years now. Then one day something amazing happened that nearly stopped the earth's rotation. A US Post Office letter carrier was caught defecating on some one's front lawn while delivering the mail. The police were called but then it was noted how amazingly no toilet paper and no water was used in the process as a result someone at the University is about to win a Nobel peace prize because of the amazing scientific discovery involved. .